Sunday, 24 May 2015

I'm not okay.

Life is a crazy thing. In fact, it’s a non-stop rollercoaster of ups and down. For the past three years I’ve been on an ‘up’ and was feeling happy, safe, secure and excited for the next turn around the corner. Now, that roller coaster is crashing towards the ground at death defying speeds and hardly giving me time to gather my thoughts, yet alone breathe.

Break ups are hard.  You feel all alone in the world and that no one understands what you are going through because how can they? For a brief while you forget that most likely everyone you know has gone through heartbreak themselves and that they’ve come out on the other side and are doing okay. For you, time stands still and all you can do is stand and watch the world continue to spin on madly without you.

It’s been a month and I’m finally at that stage where I’m trying to connect with the outside world again. I’m no longer wallowing in self-pity and constantly torturing myself with the ‘what ifs’ but I’m not going to lie.

I’m still a mess.

I still cry.

I still get that gut wrenching, sick feeling when I’ve woken up and remember what in my dreams I was able to forget.

I still miss him

I still love him

But you know what? It’ll pass.  A wise friend of mine told me it’s ok to not be ok. My mistake at the beginning of my breakup was to try and rush things. Rush into being ok, rush into getting back to normal and stupidly; rush into buying a house. The end result was; I was suffering from exhaustion, not eating properly and breaking down into hysterical sobs (I’m not a pretty crier)

So I’m just going to take on one day at a time and say when the next person asks me how I’m doing in relation to my breakup; “I’m not okay, but I will be”

So if like me you are going through a breakup just know it will get better. I cannot promise you it’ll pass quickly but time heals all and everything does happen for a reason.

You are not alone.